Being Apart Together: The Neuroscience Behind Our Tension with Social Distance

This is a guest blog written by Robert Bowen, Lead Behavioral Consultant at Followership Solutions.

A few days ago one of our church members had a birthday, and a birthday parade of cars was organized that would drive by and maintain social distancing while at the same time celebrating her life and giving us the opportunity to gather together.  It’s been almost a month since we last gathered together, and when we met up at a local park, people got out and started talking with each other, with every intention of staying 6 feet apart.

As I interacted and observed (because that’s what I do!) I noticed people slowly moving towards each other, passing the 6 foot barrier, as if they were drawn together by the force of gravity.  Actually, what drives us to flock together, especially in times of stress, is our neurology.  The “fight or flight” mechanism in our brains is actually a lot more complicated, and it is generally accepted now that there are four stages in our responses to stress, with the first one being, you guessed it, flock.
The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges lays out the neurophysiology of our emotional responses, attachment processes, communication and the idea of self-regulation.  What Porges calls the Social Engagement System is our first innate response to stress – we want to be with other people.  Neuroscientists such as Bruce Perry include in their models a process of stress response that starts with flock, then goes to flight, fight, and freeze as the last response before stress overwhelms us.
​
In this time of Covid-19, we need to recognize that asking people to maintain social distance goes against the grain of our neurology.  We are wired to want, perhaps even need, to be together in times of stress.  So how can we work through this?  Here are some ideas:

1. Recognize the reality of our need to be together in times of stress, and own the fact that this is actually not in our long term best interests.
2. We aren’t good at thinking long term when we are under stress, so lower the stress!  There are numerous stress reduction activities that we can do, so let’s do them.  Build this in to your work day, your play day, your everyday schedule.
3. Instead of calling it “social distancing,” call it “social spacing.”  This is more than a play on words, as we already use social space as a defense mechanism against infection.  If someone has a cold, we stay further away from them.  When people announce they have an illness, our unconscious response is often to step away from them.  Social space is how we maintain our safety, and when safety is at risk, our neurology is wired to give us space for our own safety..  My friends with physical disabilities call this the “Moses effect.”  When people see them walk or use their wheelchairs, even at Christmastime the crowds parted like the Red Sea.  When we see people who are different from us, we give them space.  Maybe just this small word change may be enough to lessen the stress of being farther away from our friends and co-workers.
4. Embrace the autistic side within most of us.  Some of my friends and many of my clients are autistic, and I have learned that hugs and even handshakes are painful, literally.  My autistic friends don’t need physical reminders that they are valued, honored and loved. 
5. Finally, embrace technology and the really cool ways it can connect us.  Laurie Anderson, an artist and performance artist, says that “technology is just another campfire around which we tell our stories.”  It’s not as comforting and healing as being with someone, close enough to touch them, but for now, this is the campfire around which we will tell our children and grandchildren all about 2020.

---